Today is Saturday 12/31/11.... that means several things to me. First, it is my favorite holiday. Second, it is one of my most hated days of the weeks. Third, it is the four week anniversary of something I would rather not celebrate.
I have found in the past four weeks that I have triggers, as I call them, that set me off emotionally. Every Saturday is a trigger because it marks another week that has gone by. Every Thursday is a trigger because it reminds me of the week I am not progressing to in my now non-existent pregnancy.... which by the way this would have been my 22nd week. My other trigger has a "story" behind it so here it goes:
I found out I was preggo with Angel in early Sept this year. Within the same time frame I had found out I was pregnant, I was also finding out many of my friends were pregnant too. In November, I counted 12 people that I knew were pregnant and due around the same time I was.... within a month or two. My triggers are among some of these friends. There are two in particular that I have a real hard time with just because of the sentiment of their pregnancies related to mine. Then their are the other girls that I enjoy giving advice to and love talking to each day.
I feel awful that I have these feelings because each of these girls deserve to be pregnant and will be (and some already are) great moms. I happy for each one of them and I wish them all the best, so I hope no one gets me wrong in this post. I just have a very hard time hearing about or reading about certain pregnancies and progressions through the pregnancies. One friend is due the week I was. Another is a very close friend of ours that got pregnant soon after us. We were so excited to be having babies around the same time to grow as both daddy's did when they were younger. It is hard for me to think that I would be at the same milestones as they are, happy and celebrating. It is hard for me to think that I would also be having a love/hate relationship with the kicks in my belly and frequent pee breaks. Then I turn around and I am eagerly giving advice, encouragement, and love to other friends that are pregnant. There really is no difference.... just I can read the posts, listen to the moms, and look at the pictures without breaking down and literally needing to call my friends for support.
I don't like the fact that I have triggers. I wish they would go away. I don't like the reminders and I try to keep myself busy, but it doesn't always work. I try to be happy, upbeat, and encouraging.... but it is extremely hard when it stares me in the face. Each day is getting a little easier; however, I still have a real hard time. Today is no exception. I have already broken down once today and it is only 1030am.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Time on Earth
I heard a message that Mrs. Duggar made for her daughter Jubilee and it made me have a change in thought. She said that she was amazed how quickly her daughter had fulfilled her purpose here on earth and moved into heaven. I love the thought that Angel was brought to me and our family for a reason. I have always thought there was a reason for everything and I even continued to think that when I had my miscarriage, but to think that my little Angel had fulfilled the purpose of life in 18 weeks is a beautiful, comforting thought. Now, I have to figure out exactly what that purpose was. Maybe it was to get me to start something new, to finish something old, to prepare us for a future endeavor. Whatever the purpose Angel had, I am glad and blessed that we had the chance to have Angel in our lives.
I miss our Angel every day and I find it hard to cope with things more often then not; however, I know that deep down Angel was too beautiful for this earth and was needed in Heaven more than on Earth. Angel served the purpose that God gave, it is a beautiful thing to know that my baby was such a hard worker, devoted child, and loving baby. Whether Angel knew it or not, everyone loved, cherished, and blessed her.
I miss our Angel every day and I find it hard to cope with things more often then not; however, I know that deep down Angel was too beautiful for this earth and was needed in Heaven more than on Earth. Angel served the purpose that God gave, it is a beautiful thing to know that my baby was such a hard worker, devoted child, and loving baby. Whether Angel knew it or not, everyone loved, cherished, and blessed her.
Duggar Family Thoughts
I recently read a couple articles on the Duggar Family and the miscarriage they have just went through. I was severely disturbed by the article because of the comments people have towards the family.
One person was saying that Mrs. Duggar deserved to have a miscarriage because it was her 20th child she was carrying. Here is my concern with that: no one deserves to have a miscarriage. This person was completely insensitive and just plain ignorant to all the family has went through. Miscarriages are hard at any time in the pregnancy, especially the further along you get. The Duggar family was literally only two weeks ahead of me in their pregnancy so I feel like I am on the same level with feelings miscarrying at that time.
Another comment was made that they couldn't believe that the family took pictures and had a funeral for the baby. I know people have probably thought that about my pregnancy; however, I wanted pictures of the baby for memories of the human being that I gave birth too. Just because the baby was delivered before its time doesn't mean it wasn't a person and doesn't deserve to be remembered. As for the funeral they held.... they were required to have some sort of funeral service performed. A name had to be given to the child even though it was only 20 weeks for them and 18 for me. If no name was chosen, it would have simply said "Baby" on the death certificate. If you have the choice to name your child, why wouldn't you? The funeral was the Duggars choice, mine was cremation. Either way the baby was past the time frame of "medical waste" so the body could only be released to a funeral home. It is just awful to consider a pregnancy gone wrong medical waste, but it is what it is. I was afraid of what would happen to my Angel once I left the hospital. Being a nurse, I know that sometimes things are put into waste areas rather than buried or sent home. I asked my nurse specifically because I wanted to know and thankfully she said, "it is up to you because it needs to be released to a funeral home." That is why the Duggars had a funeral for "an unborn child" as the commenter put it.
The third problem I have with comments I found from the article was the pictures themselves. The pictures were tasteful, amazing, and beautiful. Had the commenter not known that the baby was dead, they wouldn't have been able to tell. My pictures that I have show more than the pictures the Duggar family showed. It is just sad to think that people can be so cruel and heartless. I understand that some people have a hard time looking at photos especially when people have pasted, but it is for a memory of a person not able to have live photos taken. And what is the difference between a family taking memory pictures of their baby and a person taking pictures of a dead person in a casket? None really.
The whole thing is just sad. The family is going through heartbreak and loss. The children are mourning the loss of a best friend, a companion, and a soul mate. How did that family, my family, or any other family deserve to have a miscarriage? That loss is never deserved. Imagine not having your loved one by your side..... just because the parent did something to "deserve" a miscarriage. Ignorant, stupid, arrogant people. I wish you could change your hearts and souls.
One person was saying that Mrs. Duggar deserved to have a miscarriage because it was her 20th child she was carrying. Here is my concern with that: no one deserves to have a miscarriage. This person was completely insensitive and just plain ignorant to all the family has went through. Miscarriages are hard at any time in the pregnancy, especially the further along you get. The Duggar family was literally only two weeks ahead of me in their pregnancy so I feel like I am on the same level with feelings miscarrying at that time.
Another comment was made that they couldn't believe that the family took pictures and had a funeral for the baby. I know people have probably thought that about my pregnancy; however, I wanted pictures of the baby for memories of the human being that I gave birth too. Just because the baby was delivered before its time doesn't mean it wasn't a person and doesn't deserve to be remembered. As for the funeral they held.... they were required to have some sort of funeral service performed. A name had to be given to the child even though it was only 20 weeks for them and 18 for me. If no name was chosen, it would have simply said "Baby" on the death certificate. If you have the choice to name your child, why wouldn't you? The funeral was the Duggars choice, mine was cremation. Either way the baby was past the time frame of "medical waste" so the body could only be released to a funeral home. It is just awful to consider a pregnancy gone wrong medical waste, but it is what it is. I was afraid of what would happen to my Angel once I left the hospital. Being a nurse, I know that sometimes things are put into waste areas rather than buried or sent home. I asked my nurse specifically because I wanted to know and thankfully she said, "it is up to you because it needs to be released to a funeral home." That is why the Duggars had a funeral for "an unborn child" as the commenter put it.
The third problem I have with comments I found from the article was the pictures themselves. The pictures were tasteful, amazing, and beautiful. Had the commenter not known that the baby was dead, they wouldn't have been able to tell. My pictures that I have show more than the pictures the Duggar family showed. It is just sad to think that people can be so cruel and heartless. I understand that some people have a hard time looking at photos especially when people have pasted, but it is for a memory of a person not able to have live photos taken. And what is the difference between a family taking memory pictures of their baby and a person taking pictures of a dead person in a casket? None really.
The whole thing is just sad. The family is going through heartbreak and loss. The children are mourning the loss of a best friend, a companion, and a soul mate. How did that family, my family, or any other family deserve to have a miscarriage? That loss is never deserved. Imagine not having your loved one by your side..... just because the parent did something to "deserve" a miscarriage. Ignorant, stupid, arrogant people. I wish you could change your hearts and souls.
Friday, December 16, 2011
My 18 week pregnancy
Tuesday September 6th, 2011 I found out I was pregnant. OMG was I excited, nausated, but excited. I immediately called Brock and told him. Then I told Cassidy she was going to be a big sister. I can't tell you how excited we were to be finally having a baby. We started picking names, I had Lilly already picked out and we eventually settled on Zane for a boy. When I was 11 weeks pregnant I started having some bleeding. That was a stressful time for me because I wasn't ready to lose the baby. After tons of blood work and an ultrasound, we found out that I had a low lying placenta, but the baby was fine. It was dancing around so much that they didn't get a clear picture of it to give to us, but we got the best one they could give us. The baby waved to us and just danced around. I felt much better after seeing it for the first time. Around 16 weeks I started to feel the movements of the baby. I could feel it when it made big position changes and I loved it. I was sick the entire pregnancy and that was not something that I loved. Luckily I had great doctors that medicated me and gave me tips to help it. At 17 weeks I was just amazed how fast the pregnancy was going. I posted on FB that I was so excited. I went to MD for Thanksgiving that week and that is when I had the worst time of my life.
Tuesday November 22nd, 2011 I drove to MD to visit family and friends. I was so excited to go to MD since I hadn't been there in awhile. The car ride was great, I didn't get sick and there was no traffic! The next day I got a little sick but nothing to extreme. Thanksgiving was awesome. I was actually able to eat most things that were made! Of course with me having gestational diabetes I couldn't eat too much, but that is ok because my stomach has shrank so much these past 10 weeks from being sick I couldn't eat much anyway. To me that Thanksgiving dinner was the last time I will be truly happy and felt blessed. Friday was just a normal day and Saturday Cassidy had a great time at The Bouncy Place, Pizza Hut, and the playground. That was our last fun filled non-worrying day.
Sunday morning, the morning of my MD baby shower, I went into the bathroom and had some bleeding. I called Brock and told him, but I wasn't too worried because that is a symptom of low lying placentas. About an hour later I went into the bathroom again and had a gush of fluid come out with blood and clots. I immediately called for my mom and was extremely worried. We went to the ER and spent 10 hours there. I missed my shower, my friends and family were worried, the day was gone. It was found that my water had broken and I leaked so much fluid that the baby was in danger. I was put on bedrest and had to drink plenty of fluids. I had a follow up appt the next day, but that was changed because they didn't except my insurance. Tuesday morning Kelsey, Cassidy, and I drove to University of MD and had an ultrasound done. They confirmed the low fluid. The baby was moving, although not much, and had a good heartbeat. That was the only comforting news. The doctor there asked if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy..... NO I DIDN'T. He told me all the things that could go wrong and probably would, but I told him if there was a chance, then I was gonna do all that I could to give the baby that chance. Cassidy then asked me "if they take the baby out, will they take care of it until we can?" How heartbreaking is that? Not only did I just get horrible news from the doctor, now I have to explain it to Cassidy. I told her "no baby, if the baby comes out of mommy's belly then it will have to go to heaven with God." I had to hold back my tears. I tried to be strong for her because I knew I had to.
So all that week I was literally lying on the couch, drinking a gallon of fluids a day, taking my temperature often, and praying. I talked to Brock each day since he was still in NC. He had to fly to MD to pick me up and drive me home because the doctor told me I wasn't allowed to drive that far alone. We booked him a one way flight for Saturday Dec 3, 2011. All week I wore a pad and monitored my bleeding and fluid loss, which was none.... at least not on the pads I can't vouche for the times I went to the bathroom which by the way was like every 15 minutes. My friends came to visit me and my family did everything for me. My sister even went out and got Cassidy's birthday cake for me since her birthday was that week. We celebrated her birthday the best we could Thursday night.
I was now 18 weeks pregnant. Now for the worst day of my life. Saturday Dec 3rd. I was so excited at the start of the day because Brock was flying in that evening, friends were coming to visit, and my school work was almost done for the week. The day went by ok until 7pm. I looked at the clock and said "Brock will be landing in a few minutes" and went into the bathroom. I had no pain, no signs of fluid, and no blood loss. I went to the bathroom and as I wiped my hand got caught on the umbilical cord. I started screaming and my mom came in. I told her to go get me a bowl because if the baby was coming I wasn't going to let it go into the toilet. Needless to say, I had time to get to the ER. Kelsey drove me and my mom stayed behind to watch the kids until my dad got home. In the ER I was seen right away and the doctor told me not only was the cord out, but a foot as well. There was no pulsation in the cord which meant, the baby was already in heaven. I was rushed to the labor and delivery floor. No one could find my veins to establish and IV line. They had to call the anestesiologist. Finally the were able to draw blood and get fluids in me.... as if I needed more with my one gallon a day. Anyway, Kelsey finally got ahold of Brock and told him to rush to the hospital in Bel Air..... remember he was flying in at the time. Brock finally got to the hospital and was by my side.
The whole experience was horrible. I kept telling the doctor and nurses that I didn't want to feel anything. Who wants to feel and remember what it is like to give birth to a stillborn baby? However, even though they were trying to honor my wishes, I still felt everything. I had to use the bathroom so bad with all the fluids, but I was afraid to. I didn't want the baby to come out.... especially in the bathroom. The nurse assisted me with using the bedpan which was at least better, but not great either. After I went and was repositioned, the baby came out. It didn't hurt very much at all since the baby was only a few ounces. The nurse was very empathetic and gentle with the baby. I cried in the worst way, I couldn't hold myself together. I just gave birth to our baby and I wasn't even 19 weeks pregnant yet. Hours later I was being taken into the OR to have a D&C done to get the placenta out. Everything went well so I am ok physically at least.
Sunday morning all I wanted to do was leave the hospital. I didn't want to be sitting there anymore. But, I am glad that I had the nurses I had. They were great. The first nurse took pictures of the baby for me and was wonderful with me. The night nurse I don't remember with all the OR drugs, but the day nurse was great. She brought the baby to me so I could see it and hold it. OMG the baby was tiny. Its hands and feet were no bigger than an inch. It had the FINK nose and Brock's hands and legs. It looked like it was at peace. Because the hospital had to file the death with the state, we had to come up with a name. No one could tell the gender of the baby just yet so we decided to go with Angel. That is a suitable name for any baby that was taken too early. We finally left the hospital and had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements for them to pick-up Angel. We picked out an urn and picked out a prayer for the prayer card. How miserable of a time that was. Instead of us getting read to see the baby in an ultrasound check-up we were planning its resting spot. We chose cremation because I wanted to be able to bring the baby home with us. Now our little one sits on the mantel of our home. Our beautiful little Angel watches over us. I hate the feelings that I have and I hate that the pregnancy ended the way it did, but I am glad that God is with our Angel and that they are both watching over us every second of every day.
I love you and miss you my Angel. I hate sitting here without you and I am sorry that I couldn't protect you. Mommy loves you!
Tuesday November 22nd, 2011 I drove to MD to visit family and friends. I was so excited to go to MD since I hadn't been there in awhile. The car ride was great, I didn't get sick and there was no traffic! The next day I got a little sick but nothing to extreme. Thanksgiving was awesome. I was actually able to eat most things that were made! Of course with me having gestational diabetes I couldn't eat too much, but that is ok because my stomach has shrank so much these past 10 weeks from being sick I couldn't eat much anyway. To me that Thanksgiving dinner was the last time I will be truly happy and felt blessed. Friday was just a normal day and Saturday Cassidy had a great time at The Bouncy Place, Pizza Hut, and the playground. That was our last fun filled non-worrying day.
Sunday morning, the morning of my MD baby shower, I went into the bathroom and had some bleeding. I called Brock and told him, but I wasn't too worried because that is a symptom of low lying placentas. About an hour later I went into the bathroom again and had a gush of fluid come out with blood and clots. I immediately called for my mom and was extremely worried. We went to the ER and spent 10 hours there. I missed my shower, my friends and family were worried, the day was gone. It was found that my water had broken and I leaked so much fluid that the baby was in danger. I was put on bedrest and had to drink plenty of fluids. I had a follow up appt the next day, but that was changed because they didn't except my insurance. Tuesday morning Kelsey, Cassidy, and I drove to University of MD and had an ultrasound done. They confirmed the low fluid. The baby was moving, although not much, and had a good heartbeat. That was the only comforting news. The doctor there asked if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy..... NO I DIDN'T. He told me all the things that could go wrong and probably would, but I told him if there was a chance, then I was gonna do all that I could to give the baby that chance. Cassidy then asked me "if they take the baby out, will they take care of it until we can?" How heartbreaking is that? Not only did I just get horrible news from the doctor, now I have to explain it to Cassidy. I told her "no baby, if the baby comes out of mommy's belly then it will have to go to heaven with God." I had to hold back my tears. I tried to be strong for her because I knew I had to.
So all that week I was literally lying on the couch, drinking a gallon of fluids a day, taking my temperature often, and praying. I talked to Brock each day since he was still in NC. He had to fly to MD to pick me up and drive me home because the doctor told me I wasn't allowed to drive that far alone. We booked him a one way flight for Saturday Dec 3, 2011. All week I wore a pad and monitored my bleeding and fluid loss, which was none.... at least not on the pads I can't vouche for the times I went to the bathroom which by the way was like every 15 minutes. My friends came to visit me and my family did everything for me. My sister even went out and got Cassidy's birthday cake for me since her birthday was that week. We celebrated her birthday the best we could Thursday night.
I was now 18 weeks pregnant. Now for the worst day of my life. Saturday Dec 3rd. I was so excited at the start of the day because Brock was flying in that evening, friends were coming to visit, and my school work was almost done for the week. The day went by ok until 7pm. I looked at the clock and said "Brock will be landing in a few minutes" and went into the bathroom. I had no pain, no signs of fluid, and no blood loss. I went to the bathroom and as I wiped my hand got caught on the umbilical cord. I started screaming and my mom came in. I told her to go get me a bowl because if the baby was coming I wasn't going to let it go into the toilet. Needless to say, I had time to get to the ER. Kelsey drove me and my mom stayed behind to watch the kids until my dad got home. In the ER I was seen right away and the doctor told me not only was the cord out, but a foot as well. There was no pulsation in the cord which meant, the baby was already in heaven. I was rushed to the labor and delivery floor. No one could find my veins to establish and IV line. They had to call the anestesiologist. Finally the were able to draw blood and get fluids in me.... as if I needed more with my one gallon a day. Anyway, Kelsey finally got ahold of Brock and told him to rush to the hospital in Bel Air..... remember he was flying in at the time. Brock finally got to the hospital and was by my side.
The whole experience was horrible. I kept telling the doctor and nurses that I didn't want to feel anything. Who wants to feel and remember what it is like to give birth to a stillborn baby? However, even though they were trying to honor my wishes, I still felt everything. I had to use the bathroom so bad with all the fluids, but I was afraid to. I didn't want the baby to come out.... especially in the bathroom. The nurse assisted me with using the bedpan which was at least better, but not great either. After I went and was repositioned, the baby came out. It didn't hurt very much at all since the baby was only a few ounces. The nurse was very empathetic and gentle with the baby. I cried in the worst way, I couldn't hold myself together. I just gave birth to our baby and I wasn't even 19 weeks pregnant yet. Hours later I was being taken into the OR to have a D&C done to get the placenta out. Everything went well so I am ok physically at least.
Sunday morning all I wanted to do was leave the hospital. I didn't want to be sitting there anymore. But, I am glad that I had the nurses I had. They were great. The first nurse took pictures of the baby for me and was wonderful with me. The night nurse I don't remember with all the OR drugs, but the day nurse was great. She brought the baby to me so I could see it and hold it. OMG the baby was tiny. Its hands and feet were no bigger than an inch. It had the FINK nose and Brock's hands and legs. It looked like it was at peace. Because the hospital had to file the death with the state, we had to come up with a name. No one could tell the gender of the baby just yet so we decided to go with Angel. That is a suitable name for any baby that was taken too early. We finally left the hospital and had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements for them to pick-up Angel. We picked out an urn and picked out a prayer for the prayer card. How miserable of a time that was. Instead of us getting read to see the baby in an ultrasound check-up we were planning its resting spot. We chose cremation because I wanted to be able to bring the baby home with us. Now our little one sits on the mantel of our home. Our beautiful little Angel watches over us. I hate the feelings that I have and I hate that the pregnancy ended the way it did, but I am glad that God is with our Angel and that they are both watching over us every second of every day.
I love you and miss you my Angel. I hate sitting here without you and I am sorry that I couldn't protect you. Mommy loves you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)