My Triggers

Today is Saturday 12/31/11.... that means several things to me. First, it is my favorite holiday. Second, it is one of my most hated days of the weeks. Third, it is the four week anniversary of something I would rather not celebrate.

I have found in the past four weeks that I have triggers, as I call them, that set me off emotionally. Every Saturday is a trigger because it marks another week that has gone by. Every Thursday is a trigger because it reminds me of the week I am not progressing to in my now non-existent pregnancy.... which by the way this would have been my 22nd week. My other trigger has a "story" behind it so here it goes:

I found out I was preggo with Angel in early Sept this year. Within the same time frame I had found out I was pregnant, I was also finding out many of my friends were pregnant too. In November, I counted 12 people that I knew were pregnant and due around the same time I was.... within a month or two. My triggers are among some of these friends. There are two in particular that I have a real hard time with just because of the sentiment of their pregnancies related to mine. Then their are the other girls that I enjoy giving advice to and love talking to each day.

I feel awful that I have these feelings because each of these girls deserve to be pregnant and will be (and some already are) great moms. I happy for each one of them and I wish them all the best, so I hope no one gets me wrong in this post. I just have a very hard time hearing about or reading about certain pregnancies and progressions through the pregnancies. One friend is due the week I was. Another is a very close friend of ours that got pregnant soon after us. We were so excited to be having babies around the same time to grow as both daddy's did when they were younger. It is hard for me to think that I would be at the same milestones as they are, happy and celebrating. It is hard for me to think that I would also be having a love/hate relationship with the kicks in my belly and frequent pee breaks. Then I turn around and I am eagerly giving advice, encouragement, and love to other friends that are pregnant. There really is no difference.... just I can read the posts, listen to the moms, and look at the pictures without breaking down and literally needing to call my friends for support.

I don't like the fact that I have triggers. I wish they would go away. I don't like the reminders and I try to keep myself busy, but it doesn't always work. I try to be happy, upbeat, and encouraging.... but it is extremely hard when it stares me in the face. Each day is getting a little easier; however, I still have a real hard time. Today is no exception. I have already broken down once today and it is only 1030am.